As Graduation Approaches

As Jord's graduation approaches, I know I am blessed to have this ornery kid as mine. To have him still here! I love that kid! Even though he has been pulling my last nerve sometimes. It's been a hard time lately. I have been in denial about the impending empty nest. I am NOT going to think about it until the end of July. It's been hard to deal with the fact that Dr. Ghosh was fired! I am outraged and incensed and all over furious! I hope he stays here in CR. My hope is that he can continue to be Jord's Doctor, as well as ours. How can we ever thank him for curing Jordan of the C BEAST?! Never. Now way. Just our eternal thanks.

As usual for me I am right on course for my grief! One year almost from the day. Like that when he was born so early too. This time I can admit that I was putting things off until now. My insides SCREAM with pain when I think that cancer was in Jordan. It is so intense that it takes my breath away! So I handle little dabs of it at a time and carry on. I heard Marie Osmond say that God gives you respites but you never forget. I honestly believe that. God, Thank You for the Repites!

I carry on today and count my Blessing!

Lord Thank you for all you've given me!
Amen!

Remembering...

As I was on my way downtown for an appt. I had a flashback. I'm not sure if I remember driving to PCI or not. I seemed to relive every minute of the drive to the ER after Jordan's surgery almost a year ago. I remember telling Joe to run the red lights after I checked to make sure there was no one coming. After the surgery J was in a lot of pain. I am helpless to help him. I cannot explain how painful it is for a mom, and probably Joe, to not be able to do anything to relieve your child's pain. It's like literally having your hands tied and watching someone hurt your child! It hurts so bad. I still hurt when I think about it, which isn't often. Thank you God! I have a different perspective on letting some things go now. Some things just aren't so important.

And can I tell you that I was thinking about how Jord has lost his innocence about certain things. I am more lenient, not totally, when it comes to things he wants to do and things he doesn't want to do. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if he misses a couple of jazz rehearsals? Or wanted to change jobs? I stay out a little later to finish watching a movie? NO! I trust him. I do trust you Jord!

I love you Jordan! And I would take away this if I could.

Hmm...

So last Thursday and Friday really bad days! I do not know why. Tired. Grumpy. Needing sugar. Thought about going to the counselor, but it takes awhile to get in and then I feel better. Hmm...

Getting grumpy looks from the boy all Sunday. And then my arse chewed! It really hurts my heart. But I know that I am the safe place to land. It still hurts. I wonder when the day will be that he will be able to discuss the big "C" with me without the anger? I just mentioned that every sale from my Etsy shop, I am donating $1 for every purchase, and I decided even for the outside orders, and he about bite my head off!!! I HATE TIPPY TOEING AROUND HIM 24/7!!! Maybe it will be better once he goes to college and I can rant around the house all I want!!!!

On a more positive note...We had production lab at school all week. I LOVE IT!!!! But I am tired. AND since I decided to do WW again for health reasons, I've lost 10.4 lbs. My blood sugar is  down 15 points. My cholesterol is out of the 200's to 190. And the bad cholesterol went back down. Gees! What a good thing losing a few pounds can do!!! I think I shall keep on. Not doing it for any other reason than my health and I promised that if J. could make it thru chemo then I could resolve my diabetes! DONE! (Well not yet but it will be!!!)

Anxiety filled life

The last 2 days have been filled with anxiety. I do not know why. I don't really care to know why because that does NOT seem to help! I decided last night after chatting with a good friend that I do have some anxiety meds. Maybe if I take them for a while then I can halt the "mental health" days that I have to take. Yesterday being one of them. I felt like I'd done way to much on Wed. and I couldn't imagine getting out of my jammies on Thurs. I didn't until 3:30. Didn't really feel much better. Today is gonna be another jammie day until Jord drags me to the pool. At least I LOVE that!

Did I say that much of this is surrounded by my HATE of cancer?!? I don't want to hear the word again! I want it all to be gone! I want the last year erased! I call a Mulligan! Do over! Whatever! Just to not have the big "C" come into our lives! Have I said lately that I HATE it!!!!!!

UGH!

Seriously!!! I am having another anxiety attack waiting to go to the pool to exercise! I am wanting to wait until after lunch when it's empty. This is ridiculous!!! I may need more meds!!!

How am I ever going to get over this?

Sunday I hear the call to go to church. Yay! I'm feeling mentally healthier that I want to go. Shower. Get dressed. BAM!!! No can do! What the heck?! I become so filled with anxiety it debilitates me! I even sit on my bed, close my eyes, start deep breathing and start chanting God loves me. Over and over again. I do not pray. I need to calm down. When I feel a smidge better I pray. It seems so hollow. I guess I have figured that I really am mad at God. I know He can handle it. But WHY!?! Why my kid?! Why my family?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! I feel like a petulant child! And I guess I am. I'm God's child. And I DO NOT LIKE WHAT HE HAS BEEN SAYING!!! "Why not?"

The pain I feel is immense. It floods my soul. It overwhelms my system. It brings me to my knees. I wish I could weep and sometimes I do. I just bleed and cry on the inside.

Lord give me peace!

Appointment good!

Yay! Jord's 6 mo appt. follow up was good!! Blood tests good! Chest X-rays good! CT good! As we were checking out R brought a young man for us to meet. He is going to ISU and has had testicular cancer. I had met his mom and know his aunt. His mother had called me after the diagnosis and explained her story. Shes been a great support system!

I am relieved for now. This will change as my demons and grief waves attack!

As always....CANCER SUCKS!