Sunday I hear the call to go to church. Yay! I'm feeling mentally healthier that I want to go. Shower. Get dressed. BAM!!! No can do! What the heck?! I become so filled with anxiety it debilitates me! I even sit on my bed, close my eyes, start deep breathing and start chanting God loves me. Over and over again. I do not pray. I need to calm down. When I feel a smidge better I pray. It seems so hollow. I guess I have figured that I really am mad at God. I know He can handle it. But WHY!?! Why my kid?! Why my family?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! I feel like a petulant child! And I guess I am. I'm God's child. And I DO NOT LIKE WHAT HE HAS BEEN SAYING!!! "Why not?"
The pain I feel is immense. It floods my soul. It overwhelms my system. It brings me to my knees. I wish I could weep and sometimes I do. I just bleed and cry on the inside.
Lord give me peace!
Kimmy, there have been so many times I have been literally mad at God. But in my case, it got to the point that I didn't want to hear, or even speak His name. Please don't get to that point. God is pretty tough. His hands and back are the strongest in the world.. has to be to hold all of our problems and issues. I remember thinking one time that God must really hate me cause he took my parents away and how did He expect me to be able to make it with three kids.. alone? Slowly but surely, He begin showing me that I COULD do anything as long as I started to trust Him again.. and I did. I still have moments when I ask WHY but then I remember and I couldn't help but think when you said " why my child"... that God, MY God, Our God, ALLOWED His one and only Son to DIE for us. Not just die, he was mocked, cursed at, stoned, NAILED to a cross, starved, never sinned in his life just so my lowely butt, a sinner could have the chance to live with Him in heaven. Its not liek He couldn't have stopped that .. but He didn't because He loved us soooooo much. He let His baby boy die. It still brings tears to my eyes even now as I think about how selfish I am because I am gonna tell you... I wouldn't let my children die for anyone. Just saying.....
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you Kimmy. And don't you think for one minute God doesn't understand. He does more than anyone on this earth ever could!! Keep praying for that peace.. He'll give it to you!!
I love you!!